beatrice's blog

a moment of reckoning

On my 30th birthday, I had a moment of reckoning. I had just graduated with my second master's degree a couple of weeks prior, completing a years-long journey chasing academic achievements to heal childhood wounds (spoiler: it didn't work). I had devoted my entire adult life to academic and career success so at 30 years old, I didn't really have any hobbies. At least none that I'd spent time on in a long time.

As a kid, I had several hobbies. I was an avid musician, playing guitar, piano, and percussion in junior high and high school band. I played music for fun on my own time, I wrote songs, and eventually started recording them on DAWS (digital audio workstations) like Garageband and Ableton. I also loved playing with Legos and Lincoln Logs, creating these massive worlds and storylines with my materials. I used to ride my bike on long bike trails, fish for salmon and trout, play board games and video games, even got into coin collecting as a kid. I had tons of hobbies.

As my 20s progressed, I lost touch with my creative and fun side in order to go to school and build a career that I love. I'm very lucky that my efforts actually worked--I love my job, what I do, and who I work with. But work is only one part of an identity and a life.

As I entered a new decade of my life, I decided to throw myself into creative work. Into having fun for the sake of having fun. No end goal, no ladder to climb, no achievement to chase. Just playing and having fun in life. I:

Initially, I had a moment of crisis. I thought, "I'm just not creative" and was fully in a tailspin about having "no hobbies or interests." But it turned out--I just wasn't looking in the right places. I'm wildly creative! I have tons of interests! I just hadn't tapped into any of it, especially not consistently, for many years.