dating at 30 is a lot of work
I'm 30 years old and am finally ready to get back into the dating pool. Or so I thought. A brief backstory: I dated my high school boyfriend on-and-off long-distance until I was 26 (don't worry, I know). At 28, I paused most things in my life to go to therapy and get healthy. Right before I turned 30, I finished my second master's degree (last spring).
I took several months to figure out who I was outside of school, what my hobbies are, what my nervous system feels like without the stress of graduate school and homework.
Last month, and thanks to encouragement from a friend, I got back on the dating apps. I finally felt ready. In the first week, I met a really nice guy who had a ton of green flags. But there just wasn't a spark. And I found myself becoming increasingly annoyed to have to respond to his texts and make plans to go out with him. It felt like a chore.
I cut things off with him within 3 weeks before things went any further, because I could tell he was really into me, and I just didn't feel the same way.
The whole experience was overall positive--it was nice to be treated well by a man for the first time ever. But it made me realize that early dating is a ton of work. Swiping through 20 terrible profiles and 5 decent profiles that just aren't for you, only to find 1 profile that you somewhat vibe with, is such a massive time sink. And I try not to be on my phone a lot but when you just start talking to someone, there's a lot of texting and phone calls. And then there's all the second-guessing during initial dates: is this guy not a good conversationalist or he is just nervous? Or does he really like the same thing that I like or is he just trying to be agreeable?
It's a lot of work. I've spent the majority of my adult life single (on-and-off long-distance doesn't really count for much). And I've built a life that I'm really fulfilled by: I love my career, I have two amazing friend groups (one back home that I talk to every day through Discord, and one in-person group in my city). My parents live close by, I have a cute house, the sweetest dog, incredibly fulfilling hobbies that get me out in nature and into the community.
I'm not giving up on dating, but I might give up on online dating. It just feels a little forced. I'd rather meet someone organically while volunteering or something. Someone who's interested in the same thing as me, hence why we're both doing the same thing at the same time. And I know the pool will decrease and it might take me longer to find my someone. But I don't need to find my someone, and I don't need to find them right this second. I want to find a life partner that I can share my life with, but I've built a life that's fulfilling. If someone doesn't add to that, then they take away from it. And that's no fun.
I don't know if this stream of consciousness has made any sense. I'm caught between being in a modern world where the sentiment of "you don't need no man!" gets thrown around like a motivational quote, which can be empowering to women. But at the same time, we are social creatures and lifelong romantic love sounds really nice. I guess I'm just trying to find the balance, the in-between. Being open to dating and putting myself out there, without settling for less.