my time and energy are worth more now
I was in a meeting at work today that was a complete and utter waste of brain cells. For 50 minutes, people talked (reluctantly, I might add) in actual 360-degree circles about how to solve a problem that we've already brainstormed solutions to, we just need to actually execute those ideas.
I also never wanted to join this committee, but was voluntold to join by my boss (who is great and means well). I get why I should be on this committee--I have a lot of knowledge and expertise about the topic area. But the committee is about solving a problem organization-wide. I'm only interested in solving problems in my individual unit because those are the systems and people I work most closely with and have the most impact on. I'm not the person to lead the entire organization into compliance with an upcoming federal mandate. But I'm happy to get my team there.
Anyways, I found myself getting increasingly upset the longer the meeting went on. I kept thinking--I have things to do, not just talk about aimlessly. I could be doing those things right now, but instead I'm trapped here against my will talking about stuff in circles, getting nowhere. It was infuriating because it felt like a waste of time and energy.
I felt this way a lot while doing my second master's degree. I was only doing it for the credential (it helped me become eligible for upper management positions). I wasn't there to learn anything--I had already been in the field for the better part of a decade, and a lot of the classes were introductory-level graduate courses. It felt like a massive waste of time and energy, and I found it became increasingly difficult to go against my lack of caring and just do the assignments.
These experiences really speak to our intrinsic motivations. When we want to do something, no matter what it is, we divert time, energy, and even financial resources to that thing. When we don't want to do something, if it only requires a small amount of time/effort/money, most of us can push ourselves to do it. But if it requires a medium or even large amount of time/effort/money, boy the chances of that thing getting done well, on-time, or at all plummet fast. It free falls.
I think I've spent the majority of my life forcing myself to do things I didn't really want to do. I went to grad school twice. I kept in touch with people from high school that I didn't really like anymore. I would say "yes" to social invitations or family functions just to be polite or because I thought that's what you're supposed to do, even though I had exactly zero interest in it. I was raised to be "agreeable" and to "go with the flow," ignoring whether I got anything meaningful out of a relationship or activity.
Now I'm 30, I've been through some shit, and I give close to zero fucks. I can't say exactly zero, because if it were exactly zero, I would've just left the meeting. But then I would've gotten fired. And then I would've lost my house. And so on and so forth. So, there are still fucks to be given, but not that many!
Why the sudden switcheroo? I think it's just getting older and maturing. It's knowing, deep in my bones, that my time and energy are precious resources. They're not to be taken for granted. Instead, they should be stewarded responsibly. Life is just too short to spend the entire thing doing shit you don't actually care about. I'm in my era where I want to do very little of the stuff I don't care about, and a whole lot of the stuff I do care about--quality time with loved ones, rest, exercise, creative hobbies. Stuff that makes me grateful to be alive and well. That's what I want to spend my wild accidental existence on.
And yes, this one-hour meeting was one hour of my day. And meetings like this are rare at my work. So I'm not complaining about my entire job here. I'm just observing that my priorities have shifted as I've grown up, so much so that this wasted hour really ticked me off. But in a way, even this is a blessing in disguise--it reminds me of my priorities and serves as an opportunity to re-calibrate my stewardship.