today, I accepted defeat
Today, I accepted defeat.
That's a good thing, actually. I stopped fighting to do everything all at once with no real plan. Let me explain.
My unique flavor of anxiety has been spun up worse than usual for about a month now. Whereas some people's anxiety paralyzes them, my anxiety energizes me - but way too much. Although my anxiety allows me to successfully juggle multiple projects at work, generate tons of ideas/brainstorm, and problem-solve, the downsides are that it's extremely difficult for me to turn my brain off, even to rest. This situation doesn't last long because unlike my brain which can keep running forever, my body has limits. And when I'm not paying attention, following the whims of my overly-ambitious anxiety brain will push my body into unhealthy situations, and I know the body keeps the score. (A clear example of this is that my energized and ambitious brain signed me for a master's program twice, while my body bore the brunt of the stress and burnout).
I can go on like this for weeks, sometimes months (and before therapy, years) before accepting defeat. To me accepting defeat means I finally stop spinning and take a mental health day where I just lay in bed and journal all day. I get everything inside me out on paper. I reflect on what's been working and what I can fix. I channel the anxious energy into something productive and life-changing rather than running around trying to do everything.
In my journaling today, I realized I need to re-prioritize my daily life. I have a weekly and monthly planner for my personal life and I have a kanban board (Trello) for my work projects. But I don't allocate my energy at the daily or hourly level. Which means when my anxiety is spun up like this and I have an excess of energy, it's ridiculously easy for me to spend it on things that are unhealthy and/or unhelpful, while things that do need to get done are left ignored.
I read a self-help book a couple years ago about how if you want to change your habits, you should start with the identity you want and then reverse-engineer the actions that will achieve that identity. So here are some of my new identities:
I am someone who relentlessly and unapologetically protects my sleep
- This means that during the work week, I exercise, have dinner, feed my dog, and shower before my established bedtime (which for me is 9pm).
- This means that during weekends, I go to bed and wake up at the same time as during the week.
- This means that during weekends, I do house chores and meal prep to set myself up for a stable week ahead.
I am someone who gives my body the exercise it needs
- This means I'll hop on my stationary bike for at least 10 minutes every day (minus sick days), and do a 30-minute set of pilates every day to stay loose and prevent tension headaches.
I am someone who gives my body the nutrition it needs to thrive
- This means snacking on fruits, veggies, nuts, and lean meats
I am someone who is content with "enough"
- This means catching myself when I seek "more" of anything - stuff, adventures, birds, money, or food - and practicing gratitude for what I already have or making goals for actual needs
I am someone who takes care of my household
- This means I prioritize maintaining a livable (not squeaky clean, but livable) space on a regular basis. See note about doing house chores on weekends above
I am someone who pursues meaningful social connection
- I'm still working through what this looks like for me...
I am someone who protects my peace and joy
- Ever since my dumbphone broke and I had to switch back to a smartphone, it's been doing what it was designed to do: eat up too much of my time, especially when I'm falling asleep or waking up. So protecting my peace and joy means I buy an analog alarm clock so I can leave my smartphone downstairs at night
- This also means I schedule time to journal 2-3 times a week, go out in nature once a week, and indulge in my hobbies and curiosities.
One action I took today was buying an hourly planner so I can schedule certain things like house chores, going out in nature, journaling, meal prepping, and carving out time for my hobbies and friends. I'm hopeful this will help me allocate my energy and prioritize my activities better, helping me avoid being too scatter-brained or taking on way too much during high-anxiety seasons.